So I haven't written in a while, my time has been taken up by many things.

Today I learned some rather awful news.
I had some amazing plans, I mean I had finally figured out what I was gonna do.

Sort of.

About a month ago, all my very well laid plans went out the window.

But for some reason, I wasn't upset. 

Since I was in high school, I wanted to be a doctor.

At least, I thought I did.  And it turns out I was wrong.

Over the last year, I have gradually learned that that wasn't what I really wanted to do.

So what did I want to do?  I want to help people, but not like a doctor does.

I spent a month deciding what I wanted to do, I had a good bit of direction, though.  Decisions I had made
in the past determined my future, a future I've wanted since I was 4.

Today I learned that I may never reach that.

It hit me in a weird way,

at first I couldn't really think of what I could do about it.  I had plans, they're gone, huh.

Then I found out that apparently I wasn't handling it as well as I'd thought, because someone very
close to me could tell I was bothered and stressed.

Then I told my parents.  Then it hit me hard, harder than I am willing to admit.

But then my mom asked me why it was so upsetting, and I had to stop to think about that.

Then she said that my dad was in the same position as me once.  She was too.  Practically everyone who has ever gone to college has gone through what I'm going through now.

and they all turned out fine.

So who am I to act like this is such a huge deal? 

Who am I to break down completely, lose my faculties, and consider my world at an end?

I know why I was taking it so hard, I know why I couldn't take it.

I was proud.

Am Proud.

Too proud.

I was too proud to accept that something like this could happen to me.

4 days ago, I asked God to do what He wanted with me,

I was a ship with no rudder, and I asked God to be my wind.

But I was too proud to accept that maybe my plans didn't line up with God's,

I mean, they had so far, so why change now?

Then I realized that I had no right to ask such a thing.

To quote the Vertical Horizon song

"You're a God and I am not."

Then I felt shame. 

Shame for forgetting that. 

Shame for freaking out. 

Shame for having never had to face something this hard.

Shame for thinking that no one else could have ever gone through something like this.

Shame for thinking I was too good for this.

I had to force myself past that, which, without 2 thoughts, would have been crippling.

The first was, no matter what God loves me, His plans for me are perfect, and I can't see that now.

The second was, I may be weak, but He is stronger than my pain and my fear and anything else that Satan can come up with to push me away from accepting His will on my life.

And after the pain dropped, and I could see clearly, I remembered all of the blessings I had been given.

My family,

Current,

and Future.

Friends,

an education,

and so many others I couldn't even count.

So in the last 8 hours, I have been shocked, controlled, stressed, consoled, terrified, shamed, pained, paralyzed, defiant, held, supported, and granted a blissful serenity that I can only assume will disappear at any moment but may be the greatest gift I've gotten  in the last 5 minutes.

I don't know what's going to happen to me.  I don't know when or how or what I'm going to do with my future, but I do know that my options only seem limited to me, and with God nothing is impossible.

I give my future over to God's Will,

Cast myself to His winds,

I am a leaf on the wind, watch how I soar.




7But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ.

8What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ

9and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith.

10I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death,

11and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead.

12Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me.

13Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead,

14I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

 15All of us who are mature should take such a view of things. And if on some point you think differently, that too God will make clear to you.

16Only let us live up to what we have already attained.

Philipians 3: 7-16

...Thanks, I hope you were able to read what I wrote.

Anywho, I had a thought at dinner today, that really clicked with some thoughts I've been having for a while.

Now, I'll be the first to admit, I'm really weird.  Especially when it comes to general guy type things.  I can think like both guys and girls, I actually do analyze actions and purposes, and do occasionally have a real thought in my head.

But one of the things that people usually think is extra weird is that if I like a girl, but there's someone else that likes her, I will almost always back off, and let the other guy pursue her unopposed.  I know that this goes against most people's romantic ideas of dating, and I generally go against a lot of those anyway.  The phrase that popped into my head today was "The only person you should fight against for love is yourself."  And that really fit with that idea, I thought.

See, love is all about unselfishness, putting others before yourself, caring more about someone else's bad day than your own kinda thing.  But our own human nature is to put ourselves first, to become infatuated with that person, and wanting to be with them no matter what the cost.  That's the opposite of what big L Love is.  There is an aspect of love, called Eros, that is about yearning to be with the object that is feeling the love.  But more important that Eros of is Caritas love, Charity, loving them more than yourself.

I think that Chris Rice does an excellent job of phrasing it in his song, "What a Heart is Beating For"

"Brace yourselves, take a good look around
We've all been thinking upside-down
That love's about what life can bring our way
Oh but love isn't love unless someone pays
And so with love, the only way to gain
Is give it all away
Is give it all away!

Why be afraid
No reason to hide
Take the chance
Put it all on the line
Draw in a deep breath and throw open the door
'Cause that's what a heart is beating for"

It's His time.  I asked for patience, He gave me opportunity to be patient.  I asked for the happiness of others, He allowed me to bring it. 

I strive to praise Him during the hard times, the times when all that's left within me is "It is well with my soul" joy.

Right now there is so much more than that, I can't help but praise Him more.

And yet, if I really want to keep this joy, I have to give it up.  I have prayed that His will be done, and that if it is time for me to lose my joy, I will give it freely.

To keep your life you must lose it, to be happy you must give away your joy.

I give all my joy to you, oh Lord.  And you keep giving it back.  There is dancing in the streets of my heart, to a beat of 1240.


Today is a good day...